Things You Don't Say to Your Wife

I'm glad my husband doesn't say these things to me. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

I'm afraid of the dark. Not as afraid as I am of spiders and I am afraid of the dark only occasionally. But, I don't like being in the dark very much, which doesn't bode well for me as a youth group counselor when a lot of my teens like to play games, like Sardines, in the dark.

Last night, I couldn't sleep and sometime after 1 am, I got thirsty and went downstairs for a drink. Not wanting to wake my husband, I didn't turn on any light until I got to the dining room. It is always darker after once you had light and then did not, so when I turned off the light, I suddenly felt so overwhelmed by the darkness and my thoughts of all things that are scary that I quickly ran upstairs thinking that the faster I get to bed, the safer I would feel.

Not a smart move. Not smart at all.

My quick-pattering feet up the stairs and into the bedroom startled my husband wide awake and he thought we were under attack by an intruder. He screamed and I screamed and we both screamed some more, but not for ice cream. Finally, not wanting to be clobbered over the head by the wooden bat by my husband's side of the bed, I cried out, "It's me! It's me! It's only me!"

I turned on the lamp on my nightstand and I quickly hugged my husband close to me and over and over again I apologized for frightening him. When our fast-beating hearts slowly drummed to a steady, calmer pace, we laid back down to sleep. But, I stayed awake a while more because I kept hearing his frightened shouts in my head. My logical and sensible husband screaming. I never want to hear that sound again. And I felt all the more worse knowing that I had caused it because of my childish fear of the dark.

Like I said, I'm not always afraid of the dark, but recently I have been because of this. My fear of the dark will soon pass and I hope it will before my husband leaves for a week-long training sometime this month. Then, I will have to rely on God's power to protect me from the darkness.

2 Corinthians 4:5-7 (New International Version)

For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

Hubby's Trip

Every year, D gets to go on a business/training trip, usually to Downtown Vancouver. If he's lucky enough to find a training course offered in the summer, it means two things for me:
1. If I don't get to go with him, it means bachelor food for me.
2. If I do get to go with him, it means big-time shopping spree for me.

When I Don't Go With D
I missed out on accompanying D this year because I had to teach summer school. D tries to cook food for me prior to his trips, so that I would have leftovers to eat for at least the next two days. Unfortunately this time, I had eaten everything he has made before he left, so I ended up not having any leftovers. I don't cook. In fact, I HATE cooking. I don't mind some baking, but I only do some baking when I'm in the mood or when new neighbours move in and I bake cookies, tarts, or cakes to welcome them to our neighbourhood. As a result, from Monday to Wednesday (summer school ends on Thursdays every week, so I took off after work yesterday to come into Vancouver), I had eaten gong zai mein (instant noodles), Zoodles, Mini Ravioli from a can, a Fudgesicle, pizza and lasagna (take-out order with my neighbours) and Cordon Bleus that I heated up in the toaster oven. Don't pity me -- I actually love instant (spicy) noodles and Chef Boyardee stuff, so it's a guilty pleasure that D isn't here because he will usually make healthy, but delicious, food for me.

I barely used the stove; I microwaved almost everything. I had neither 2-4 servings of fruit nor 3-5 servings of veggies; I had one garden salad on Monday, which came with the pizza and lasagna, and a bit of mustard-flavoured store-brand coleslaw on Tuesday. That was my only healthy intake of the week. The fridge had food, but I just didn't want to make anything. Did I mention that I HATE cooking? I'm so blessed to have a husband who enjoys cooking.

When I Go With D
Because I didn't have to work on Friday, I was able to go shopping while D went to his class. I'm not a shopper. In fact, I'm what people identify as a "guy shopper" because I know what I want, I go directly to that item, I purchase it, and I get out. I don't dilly-dally at the sales rack, I don't shift through endless racks of stuffed shirts, pants, or skirts. I don't know how to bargain shop because I shop for and out of convenience. Once in a blue moon, however, I get in the mood to shop, and even then, I find only one or two items and I buy them only because they were a good buy. I knew I would have time to shop today, so I made sure that I was in the mood for it. If I wasn't, I could just duck into Chapters and browse the books to pass my time.

To give you a taste of how good my shopping mood today was, I'll have you know that I didn't even get a chance to go into Chapters before I had to meet up with D for lunch. In three hours, I bought:

3 men's polo t-shirts (2 for $55, one at $32.50 -- RW & Co.)
1 black flared skirt ($48 -- RW & Co.)
1 oatmeal-coloured short-sleeve sweater blouse with a peekaboo-hole in front($28 -- Plenty)
1 burnt orange camisole tank top ($14.99 sale price -- Mexx)
1 polka-dotted mesh robe dress ($99 -- Mexx)
1 black fitness pants ($54.98 -- New Balance)

Total bill = $372.38!

To top it off, I didn't even buy the things I was looking out for, which are earrings, a red necklace, tan-coloured heels, a black purse, and a pair of black casual pants. Rarely, do I ever spend that much, but I figured that since I only do this once a year, $372.38 is actually pretty good. For some people, this may seem excessive. Or it might be chump change for others. I know girls who can easily spend that much each time they go shopping, which is at least once a week. For me, it's difficult to justify spending so much on clothing, but one day of splurging isn't too bad, is it? D has said, on more than one occasion before, that if I was a major spender on clothes, shoes, accessories, etc., he wouldn't have married me. Well, then, it's a good thing I'm not a shopper.

Compliments to the Chef

One of my colleagues asked me, "Do you cook Chinese food?" to which I replied, "The better question would be, 'Do you cook (at all)?'"

Almost every time I say that my husband is the cook in our family, I'm met with surprised and impressed looks. The men who ask me the cooking question look bewildered until I tell them that I pull my weight around by cleaning the house. The women who ask me the cooking question look bewildered and then either dejected or relieved when I tell them that I do the cleaning. Most women I know do everything around the house. One woman I know used to do everything while she was with her ex-husband. Now, she's with a much nicer man and when he tries to help out around the house, she gets fidgety because she feels like she should be doing something despite all his soothing assurances that she can just relax.

Although I believe the equality gap between men and women have decreased, I'm still incredulous to know that some relationships are still not all that equal and sometimes very far from it.

My own daddy has cooked for the family more than once in my lifetime. When I was about primary-school age, my mom had to work from 3-11pm and my dad worked graveyard. He would cook for me. My dinners usually consisted of noodles, rice and spinach, or, because my dad was a Denny's cook once, fried eggs with sausages. The next stage of cooking occurred after his retirement while my mom still brings home the bacon, no puns intended. She wouldn't come home until nearly 7 at night, so my dad would cook. His cooking included healthier stuff now, but noodles still reign supreme in his favourite menu choice. Other than that, my mom still does the cooking. I still remember when my mom left for a couple of weeks to go to Taiwan and my dad would cook, but his cooking was limited. Then my mom came home and when she saw that we had been eating refried (thrice!) chicken for the last two days, she immediately whipped up something very delicious, despite her fatigue. She even made it look fancy!

My parents try to set good examples for me; my mom showed me how to love through action while my dad showed me how to love through words. I think I'm fairly well-rounded because of them.

Speaking of loving parents, did I mention how grateful I am that my in-laws tolerate me in spite of my lack of culinary skills?

That's MS. Chan

Today, five of my students asked me if I was married or not. I showed them my wedding ring and then they asked me, "Then why is your name Ms. Chan and not Mrs. Chan?" Two of the girls then proceeded to erase my name on the whiteboard.

"Now, hold on! Why are you erasing my name?"

"'Cuz you're Mrs. and not Ms."

"Ms. doesn't mean I'm single."

"Yeah, it does."

"No, it doesn't. Miss means single and Mrs. means married."

"But, Ms. means Mrs., but without the 'r,' right?"

"No, it doesn't. Ms. means I could be either single or married."

"So, why don't you want people to know you're married?"

"Why do I have to share that information?"

"Well, why not?"

"If men could have Mr., which is ambiguous, why couldn't women have a title that connotes the same?"

"What does ambig-- whatever you said. What does that mean?" "And what does cammote mean?"

(Define)

"Oh." "Why can't we just call you Mrs. Chan? It's way easier."

Thanks, D.

Superb steak + marvelous mushrooms + great veggies + best bread + perfect pasta + fantastic music (Josh Groban's "Noel") + terrific Tiramisu cake + wonderful husband = awesome birthday dinner.

God bless you, D. Love you lots.

Until Friday

D is on training for one week. This is our first time away from each other since we got married and already I miss him. Well, it's the second day and I'm used to his being away, so it's ok now.

But the first night alone was actually quite hard, much to my surprise. No matter how loud I turn up the music, it doesn't fill the comfortable silence we have with each other when we're both doing our separate things in the evenings. No matter how many stuffed animals I stick on his side of the bed, I don't feel the usual depression in the mattress that I naturally fall into and end up on his shoulder. No matter how many other family and friends I try to talk to on the phone or on FaceBook, as much as I love them, they don't bring the excited blush to my cheeks as I anxiously await for, then hear, his voice to be heard on the phone.

Aloneness is not the same as loneliness. I think it's good that couples can do activities separately; it shows how complete one is without the need for the other.It's not that I can't be me without him. I still do the things I enjoy and what's better is that I can catch up with friends on the phone more easily. I still procrastinate on some things (don't expect the thank you cards to be done if you're reading this in your hotel, D), but at least I've thought about doing them instead of "forgetting" them. There's a difference. Hee hee!

But, I just can't wait until Friday when I get to see him again. Only four more days!

I Will Be Here

When D and I got married, we chose the song "I Will Be Here" for our processional. The song said in words what we hope to prove to each other in action. And indeed, D has proven his vows to be there for me and take care of me over and over again.

I heard on the radio about a contest where I could write about why my husband is the best husband in the world. What a difficult contest to be a judge for! How can we say one husband is better than another? What are the attributes of a great husband? Well, I'm not sure I can answer those questions fully, but I can share why I think D is a wonderful husband.

Since I started working in September, I've been waking up at 6am to get ready. D gets up around 6:40am, after I have already left the house for work. I get ready as quietly as I could, but I turn on the small light on my dresser, so the light shines on his face. Once, I tried to put my contacts on and change in the bathroom to avoid shining light in the bedroom, but no matter how many baby steps I take or hold my breath for as long as I could in the dark, I always manage to wake D up. Recently, I told D that I would be willing to sleep in another room entirely just so I wouldn't wake him up. He hugs me and says, "Yes, my sleep is disturbed when you move around the room to get ready. But, when I wake up, well, that's how I know you are there. It feels good to have you around. So, I don't want you to sleep in another room; I want you always to stay with me." If you know D, he loves his sleep. For him to sacrifice those precious moments of more sleep just to be reassured that I'm there is a testament of his love for me.

Another instance where he has shown love recently was just from last night. I tend to have an over-active imagination, but it's just the way I am and sometimes these thoughts become very real for me. I feel a little silly admitting this to you (most of you would be laughing at me and twirling your finger in a circular motion by your temple, hee, hee!), but last night an eerie feeling had come over me while I was in the shower. Every time I closed my eyes to wash my hair, I saw a horrible image in my head and then felt that someTHING was watching me. Even though D had already gone to bed, I called out his name. I thought that if I heard my own voice, I would feel silly and the dreaded feeling would disappear. Instead, the feeling got stronger and I called out D's name louder the second time. When he still didn't show up, I panicked and started to get myself out of the shower -- only I was too scared to in case whatever I was imagining was out there waiting for me to come out of the shower. Then, in burst my hero, not in shining armour, but in his worn out jogging pants and a faded ten-year old frayed sweatshirt. But, good enough. After I timidly told him why I had called out his name, instead of ridiculing me, he stood at the door and hummed and chatted with me to let me know he was nearby while I continued on with my shower.

D cooks delicious dinners without complaint, runs errands on his days off even though he could've been catching up on sleep that I deprive him of on weekdays, finds time to chat with his parents and friends on the phone without shirking any responsibilities at home, and he actively listens to all my stories of my work day.

I know friends who are great husbands to their wives and I'm happy for my girlfriends, but today I am declaring that my D is the best husband I could have ever asked for!

I will be here when you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind, I will listen
I will be here when the laughter turns to crying
Through the winnin', losin' and tryin', we'll be together
'Cause I will be here
~~ from "I Will Be Here" by Steven Curtis Chapman

In Sickness and In Health

My mom cleans houses for a living. She has three clients and uses up four weekdays to clean their houses. She helps out at the church by translating the worship sermons into Mandarin and preparing communion, among other smaller duties. She helps take care of my grandmother and my dad whenever they have medical appointments. When she's at home, she is always cleaning the house to rid it of as many germs and dust as possible for all of our health's sake. My mom is no slacker and works tirelessly day and night. She refuses our help and when she does accept, she does so reluctantly.

This morning my mom told me that she was going to quit cleaning two of the three houses, which surprises me because she relies on those jobs for income. Since my parents are receiving no other income except from my dad's pension and old age security, her quitting will mean handling their finances more frugally than they already are. She's quitting because she wants to spend more time with my daddy. Dad's illness had worsened and my mom resolves to be a better wife. I'm not sure how because in my eyes she's done everything for him the way a wife should.

As D and I prepare to write our own vows to each other, I am using the traditional repeat-after-me vows as reference. When I read "in sickness and in health," I instantly think of my parents. D has some health issues that although are not serious right now, I can foresee them getting worse in the future. I, myself, am susceptible to diabetes, cancer, and heart problems because of my family's history.

But, I look to my parents and friends' parents, and I realize that there is hope. There's no doubt in my mind that I've chosen the right man to marry and I hope I will have enough stamina and integrity to stick it out with him through all situations. My vows to D will be living vows: promises I can show, not just tell. I hope I will be as good a wife to D as my mom is to my dad.

Waiting

Today I waited three hours to get my passport at the Richmond location, which is pretty good considering the 6-8 hour line-ups I heard about at the Vancouver Downtown and Surrey offices. Quick and painless once I got inside, but most of the waiting was done outside in the biting-cold wind. I brought a book along with me, but not my parka, gloves, or toque and I was freezing while reading my book.

Pre-marital counseling has been a lot of fun. If any couple getting married think they already know each other well enough not to attend a course, they will be surprised. I feel like I know D very well despite knowing him only for about two and half years, but taking inventory of and discussing the various aspects of our relationship is fascinating.

Yesterday, however, was the hardest pre-marital counseling session yet. So far, D and I have discussed relational history and giving and receiving love. Last night, we talked about communication and conflict resolution, two topics that expose vulnerability. D is like a rock, as always, but I open up like a flowing stream.

Anyway, I really enjoy my marriage preparation course with D and our two leaders, a husband and wife team. They are really fun, honest, and intelligent; they really help make this transitioning period for us easier to bear.